The American Historical Association is proud to announce the debut of TWEEDER. Available exclusively to AHA members, TWEEDER is a powerful digital tool that can be used for communication and collaboration. Or not.

Start your TWEEDER network in graduate school by following your adviser and linking to others in your program—then block every historian who your adviser says got it all wrong. Keep that block list handy for seminar meetings when you haven’t done the reading. You’ll know just how to critique it! TWEEDER always knows who’s in the acknowledgments—and who isn’t. Its sophisticated algorithm keeps track of your follows, links, and blocks, and custom-suggests books to put on your comps list. No time to read them? No problem! TWEEDER links to every book review ever published in the American Historical Review.

Dissertating or working on your next book? There’s never a bad time to explore TWEEDER’s advanced functionality for (not) writing. TWEEDER ProCrastinator will send you alerts when it’s time to get up, snack, clean the house, shop online, watch TV, randomly search JSTOR, brush the cat, take a picture of the cat and post it on Facebook, refresh Facebook to see if anyone liked your cat picture, and much, much more. Upgrade to TWEEDER ProCrastinatorPro for algorithmically generated triumphant status updates about your productivity or lack thereof!

Speaking of social media, TWEEDER’s breakthrough functionality includes the Autocensor, which scans all your posts for potentially inflammatory or damaging content and sends you StupidStick alerts before you violate FERPA or insult your colleagues or otherwise do something really, really dumb. No one needs to know about that confidence-draining second reviewer who canceled out the praise of the first. No one needs to know that senior scholar scooped your research and gave you fantasies about hacking their computer with a virus so wicked they’ll wish they never even applied to graduate school. No one needs to know your students don’t know history. Especially not your students. Or your chair, for that matter. Autocensor’s got your back.

TWEEDER will help you make history at the AHA annual meeting, too. Isn’t it about time you introduced yourself to that rock star you’ve admired since undergrad (even emulating her dandy-nerd bowtie)? Tap the Hotel Bar icon to geolocate that scholar. Should you fail on approach, don’t berate yourself. TWEEDER offers mesmerizing technographics that will entirely justify staring into your phone—no more pretending you didn’t see someone!

Let’s say you need to impress someone from the floor of an annual meeting panel. Tap the Question Mark icon to launch TWEEDER’s Question and More of a Comment prompts—both with ObfuscatorBoost settings ranging from Lucid to Unintelligible to So Unintelligible It Must Be Brilliant. Go ahead, impress the best. They deserve it.

There’s much, much more to TWEEDER, but we’re too busy with the crisis of the humanities to walk you through it. Like any curious researcher, you’re welcome to check it out for yourself!

Seriously though, isn’t April 1 a great day to join the AHA?

Images: “bluebird” by Lisa Yarost, CC BY 2.0; adapted with blue background and filled with “Harris tweed” by PKM, own work, licensed under Public Domain via Commons.

This post first appeared on AHA Today.